Posts tagged feature
Top 25 Bikini Babes of All Time
MANjr created this list of the top 25 bikini babes of all time based on a scientific scale that considered the following factors: bangin’ body, bikini skills, cuteness of face and overall hotness. If you disagree with these picks, let us know where our scientific method went wrong. We probably won’t make any adjustments, but we’ll try to recognize any glaring omissions.
25. Jessica Alba
She’s always going to make the list, even if she doesn’t want to be considered sexy anymore. Sorry Jessica, you have no say in this.
24. Stacy Keibler
Stacy’s got the body to pull off any bikini in any situation. Kieblers was a WWE Diva, Baltimore Ravens cheerleader and a serious dancer (she started training when she was three), so she knows how to put those extra-long legs to good use.
23. Kelly Brook
Kelly Brook is no stranger to bikini work. The buxom Brit began modeling at the age of 16, and she’s appeared in TV, films and top sexy lists ever since. Brook, who won a babe of the summer award this year, even has her own line of swimwear and lingerie going, so you know she belongs on this list.
22. Tyra Banks
It’s hard to remember a time when Tyra Banks wasn’t super annoying. But think back, way back. Think back to guest appearances on the Fresh Prince of Bel Air and all those SI Swimsuit shoots. Remember? Yep, Tyra was hot. She wasn’t constantly calling herself fat and she didn’t have her own talk show. I miss that fly 90s chick who knew how to work a bikini and keep her mouth shut.
21. Shakara Ledard
A relative newcomer to the swimsuit scene, Shakara Ledard has made a big enough splash to hang with the all time greats. This beauty from the Bahamas has appeared in multiple films and music videos for usher, Babyface and Justin Timberlake.
20. Niki Taylor
Dude, remember how hot Niki Taylor was? This foxy chick from Florida started modeling when she was 13. She was a cover girl for a solid decade or so during which she married an Arena Football League linebacker and had twins. Taylor’s only 35 years old, and you know this blonde-haired, hazel-eyed head-turner’s still got it.
19. Stephanie Seymour
Stephanie Seymour was on top of her game in the 90s. The San Diego-native appeared in numerous Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issues. She helped establish Victoria’s Secret mail catalogs as prized postal possessions, and she posed in Playboy in 1991 and 1993. Sadly, this still wasn’t enough to help Seymour survive her wedding to Axel Rose in the November Rain video. Everybody needs somebody, and we all need more Stephanie Seymour.
18. Elle Macpherson
Long legged Aussie beauty Elle MacPherson has been out of the spotlight for awhile, but her gorgeous bikini body still lives on, even at age 47. Total package bikini beauty like that doesn’t fade fast. If you ever find yourself wondering if there’s a Hugh Grant movie out there from the 90s that features a hilarious slow-motion nude running scene with Elle Macpherson, the answer is yes. It’s called Sirens.
17. Selita Ebanks
Cayman Islands native Selita Ebanks was discovered at a Six Flags when she was 17. What kinda crazy job would that be? Hey, before you ride the Ninja, I just wanted to say your gorgeous and I work for a modeling agency. I think I want that job. Ebanks was once engaged to Nick Cannon. As Maria Carey gets more chubby and/or pregnant with each passing day, Cannon can always reminisce about his old Victoria’s Secret fiancé and wonder what might have been.
16. Rachel Hunter
Rachel Hunter had it going on long before Fountains of Wayne reminded the world just how bangin’ she is in that Stacy’s Mom video. And when you look that good for that long, people get over the fact that you married Rod Stewart. I ain’t mad atcha Rachel. Not now and not ever.
15. Jessica Burciaga
SI Swimsuit gal she is not, but that doesn’t mean that Jessica doesn’t belong on this list. Her frequent Twitter profile pic updates and tales of 1000s of bikinis in her closet seal the deal. Miss February 2009 has a unique gorgeousness to her. Jessica’s father is Mexican her mother is French, Irish and German. When you have the chance, please thank Jessica’s parents for creating one amazingly stunning bikini babe.
Oct 22nd
21 Random People You’ll See in Vegas
Whenever you’re in Vegas, you come across some interesting people. There’s the stereotypical loud types, super drunk types, drop dead gorgeous types and so on, but there’s also a bunch of other random characters that you’ll encounter when you’re in Sin City. Here’s 21 random people you’ll see in Vegas:
The Old Asian Dude Who Knows Dice Control and Can Win You Bank at the Craps Table
If you like craps, find the table with the four-foot Asian dude with the glasses and the slouch. If you see him setting the dice as he picks ‘em up, camp out at that table and just enjoy your winnings. When he leaves, you need to leave too.
Aggressive Mechanical Wheelchair Guy
Dude, I’m trying to get out of your way but you need to slow down on those turns, buddy. I know you got a disability and all, but that doesn’t give you the right to mow people down with your high-speed bulldozer-chair.
The Chick with the Bad Boob Job
Wait a minute, there’s something wrong with those basketballs bolted on your chest. They might look good from afar, but when you get too close, the cross-eyed nipples start staring at you in opposite directions. Big boobs look great and all, but those south-by-northeast nips just ain’t right.
Pornstar Asian Chicks
Wait a minute, that super-stacked, blond-haired blue-eyed shorty isn’t a white girl? Nope, she’s one of those pornstar Asian chicks. These down-to-get-down Tila Tequilla-types never travel alone. There’s always at least seven or eight of ‘em. You’ll know their coming when you hear the click-clack-shuffle of massive heels being dragged on the marble floor at the Venetian.
The Pool Prowler
Young kids who go to Vegas don’t even have a gambling agenda. They just want to live the Jersey Shore dream with a $1500 poolside cabana complete with vodka bottle service and your choice of mixer. Tanned dudes flex their six-backs and big-breasted 90-pound birds showcase more T&A than you’ll see at strip clubs that serve booze. In this environment, you’ll always find that Creepy McCreepster guy who’s too old and filthy-looking to be hanging around the pool. He’s probably not even lookin’ for action. He’s just categorizing images for his spank bank and hoping to see a nipple slip when some blondie’s using a towel to remove wetness from her pink string bikini.
The Bald Guy with the Fanny Pack
Look man, I know you’re on vacation and I know you have a ton of shit to carry, but the tucked-in t-shit and shorts with a fanny pack and comfortable running shoes just sends out a rob me signal to the entire world. Man up, put some pants on, store stuff in your pockets and tell your nagging wife to shut the hell up.
The Explosive Shitter in the Bathroom
I don’t know if it’s the beer-shits or the buffet-shits or some killer combo of the two, but you can’t visit a casino bathroom without hearing some sort of crazy asstastrophe going on. Dude, can I get a courtesy flush on that butt-shrapnel?
The Girl Who’s Just Not Hot Enough
Vegas makes you horny. Maybe it’s the booze or the pros or all the titties on display, but when you’re in Vegas, you start to think that anyone’s shaggable. Well, almost everyone. There’s always that girl who’s just not hot enough. Maybe she’s got a poor face-to-body or body-to-face grade. Maybe’s she’s just a little too chunky or too crazy. Whatever it is, you’ll always find a chick on the bubble who just misses the cutoff, even when you’re blasted and seeing double.
The Old Local Lifer with the WTF Haircut
Oh man, Vegas locals are a trip. They got their funny t-shirts and physical deformities (like a neck barnacle or an extra back or some shit). A majority of these locals have the most ridiculous haircuts you’ve ever see. Like the lady with the 5-2 step-mullet-fade that’s half highlighted and half spikey. Strange.
The Dude Who Just Got Out of Jail and Needs Money
If some shady white dude with neck tats tries to chat you up at the slots, don’t engage. The dude just got out of jail and he needs money to get back home. He was put in jail because of a long story involving his girlfriend, a crowbar and peanut butter. Don’t offer him a ride and don’t give him any money.
Raider Fans
Raider fans are everywhere, especially in Vegas. Raider fans have the dumbest football IQ of any fan group. These guys yell stupid shit at the Sportsbook to cheer their team on even when the Raiders aren’t playing. They always think the Raiders are going to win, and a couple times each year, they’re right.
Fat Chicks Who Travel in Packs
With all the amazing tail on display in Vegas, chubby girls have it rough. They need to stick together. When was the last time you saw one fat girl by herself in a casino? It doesn’t happen. Large girls know they need to travel in packs to minimize their maximum exposure.
Drunken Business Bros
We’re at a conference bro! I’m gonna get so wasted that I may even untuck my shirt at 3am. No promises though! Let’s high-five and yell whenever we double down or split 8s at the blackjack table. I can’t believe you didn’t hook up with Kimberly from marketing, bro. She was so into you!
Three Greasy Hipster Dudes with One Grimy Skinny Chick
Hipsters travel in disproportionate girl-to-guy ratios. Typically you’ll see three flanneled ironic-facial haired PBR drinkers to every one bright-plastic-eyeglass-wearing pale and depressed looking skinny gal with satirical high tops and a haircut from the future. I don’t know why this is.
Old Oxygen Tank Guy
Look, I’m no doctor, but if you’re wheeling around an oxygen tank in a smoke filled slot pit, maybe you need to find another spot to spend your Tuesday afternoons. I know they pump extra oxygen in the casino, but that’s gotta be offset by the cancer cave-like conditions near the Wheel of Fortune games.
Prostitute?
Wait is this smoking hot broad laughing at my jokes because it’s 5am and we’re the only two people left at the bar? Or is my bankroll about to take a surprise hit from a professional lady of the night? It’s really hard to tell sometimes. Girls in Vegas like to go extra slutty with it. If you’re unsure whether or not the hot chick you hit it off with is a pro, don’t ask her. That’s just bad form. If for some reason she’s not, you’re gonna blow it. Concoct a story of lost wealth so she knows you got nothing left to spend for the evening. If she is a professional, she’ll move on.
The Dapper Old Dude with Cut Up Plastic Jailbait
Nothing’s creeper than seeing some slick old-timer with huge shades, a fitted burgundy suit and gold chains walking around with a 17-year old brunette who just got done with her 17th augmentation surgery.
Bachelor/Bachelorette Parties
There’s nothing funnier than a large group of horny bachelor party dudes who can’t get into a club ‘cause there’s not one chick among them. Well, that’s not true. Seeing a wild back of bachelorette party girls who are walking around with hungry eyes and dildos and goofy matching t-shirts is also pretty entertaining.
The Cheapskate
You know, the guy who camps out at the buffet so he can catch the breakfast and the lunch rotation. Or the guy who lingers around the slots to get a free drink and then doesn’t tip the waitress. In Vegas, cheap bastards are everywhere. You can spot them by their shifty eyes and willingness to fake gamble for long periods of time just to score a Bud Light.
Wedding Party Girls Looking for Action
Nothing’s more romantic than getting married in Vegas. It’s every girl’s dream, really. Well, maybe not every girl, but girls who are around other girls who just got married want to get down something fierce. That’s a fact. If you see a pack of casino skirts who look like they’re going to church, you know what to do.
Sad Children
Vegas is so much fun for adults. Things get tricky when you bring the kids, though. Sure there are responsible parents who just love spending family time together watching those outrageous blue man guys do their outrageous blue man thing, but most of the time, if you see kids at a casino in Vegas, they look sad as hell. There’s only so much TV you can watch when mom and dad are burning through your college tuition during a 13-hour slot bender. Don’t park junior at the buffet. Leave the kids at home.
Oct 15th
11 Awesome Hangover Cures
Hangovers are the worst. That nasty combo of headache, nausea and gut-pain can cost you precious hours of your life. While there are certainly preventative measures you can take to reduce the likelihood of a hangover (headache medication, food, lots of water before bed, etc.), inevitably you’re going to get stuck with a dirty hangover that you need to crush before it kills your day. Here are 11 awesome hangover cures that you can turn to when you need to ease the pain.
11. Ginger
Ginger is an all-purpose digestive aid. You can eat it with sushi, drink some ginger tea or mix ginger juice with water for a nausea-reducing elixir that’ll balance your gastric fluids and calm your system. This powerful antioxidant and anticoagulant can work wonders, but don’t consume fresh ginger on an empty stomach. Mix it up with something else.
10. Honey
Honey is a great antioxidant that’s loaded with fructose and glucose. In Poland, people mix honey in with pickle juice for a hydrating, salty hangover-recovery treat. If the idea of honey pickle juice sounds foul to you, just take a couple table spoons of the magic bee sauce and enjoy the fresh coat of healing goodness.
9. Prickly Pear
For desert drunks, the prickly pear is a solid morning option that’ll help take the edge off the hurt. The extract from the prickly pear cactus can help reduce nausea, loss of appetite and dry mouth. You can find prickly pear extract in a bunch of different dietary supplements.
8. Eggs
Yep, eggs. Eggs have cysteine in ‘em. Cysteine is an awesome amino acid that breaks down acetaldehyde, a toxin that’s a byproduct of the oxidation of ethanol. Acetaldehyde causes hangovers and eggs break down the acetaldehyde. So get over the fact that you don’t want breakfast and scramble that hangover out of your system.
7. Coca Cola
Oh the sweet, sweet nectar of Coca Cola can do wonders for a messed up belly. Some say that Coca Cola was originally invented as a hangover cure. I don’t know about all that, but whether you’ve eaten a big meal or you need to turn down the volume down in your stomach, a cold Coke just feels good.
6. Greasy Diner Breakfast
Whether you’re pounding pancakes at IHOP, feasting on French toast at Norm’s or plowing through Moons Over My Hammy at Denny’s, greasy-ass diner food will help you booze-coated belly correct itself. Greasy food sticks to the stomach wall and help slow down the process of alcohol absorption. That’s not to say that you won’t feel like trash afterward, but it’ll be a different kind of trash – a much more manageable form of discomfort. If you have the chance to close the night out with some greasy food, that’s a solid hangover prevention method, but if you miss the prevention window, reach for some bacon in the morning.
5. Gatorade + Banana
Electrolytes. You need ‘em, man. When you’re recovering from a night of drunken excess, you’re bound to end up dehydrated. Drinking lots of water helps, yes, but a steady stream of electrolytes will hydrate you more quickly. Your hung-over body also needs an influx of Vitamin B and potassium. Drinking alcohol drains your levels of Vitamins B6 and B12. Bananas will calm your gut-hurt and expedite the metabolism of alcohol.
4. Bloody Mary
If you’re head is pounding and your stomach is sloshed with whatever god-awful combo of drinks you consumed last night, drinking more sounds like the last thing you wanna do. But more booze can actually help you right the ship. A nice breakfast cocktail like a Bloody Mary can serve the dual purpose of a breakfast and hangover remedy. This is a great option if food consumption is totally out of the question, and the tomato juice will help you metabolize alcohol more quickly.
3. Pho
Vietnamese rice noodles with broth and beef (or tripe or chicken) will hydrate you and fill your gut with a nice layer of nutrition, exfoliation and toxin-fighting spices. Don’t go too crazy with the hot sauce though. Under normal circumstances, unreasonable amounts of Sriracha in your Pho would be a great idea, but when you’re dealing with a tender tummy, you gotta keep it mellow. Add some lime, basil, sweet Hoison sauce, cilantro, onions and bean sprouts, and go to town with a soup spoon and chopsticks in hand.
2. Pad Thai
More rice noodle love here. Pad Thai will fill that void in your stomach with a tender helping of noodles, eggs, tamarind juice and some light protein like shrimp, chicken or tofu. I don’t know the science behind it, but it works like a charm.
1. Matzo Ball Soup
The medicinal healing powers of the matzo ball have been well documented throughout history. Known as Jewish penicillin, matzo ball soup can kill a hangover, eliminate pink eye and in some cases, even cure cancer. Embrace the power of the matzo. It’s the most comfortable comfort food ever invented.
Honorable Mention List:
- Borscht
- Tom Yum Soup
- Menudo
- Haejangguk
Oct 4th
Ranking the Redheads – The 15 Hottest Gingers of All Time
Oh man, ginger girls. There’s just something about ‘em. When they’re not hot, boy are they really not hot, but when they are hot, look out, man. Smokin’ redheads project a sweet ‘n spicy, cinnamon-pepper sexiness that puts them in a separate class of attractiveness. Hot gingers can pull off the classy girl routine AND the fiery sexpot act. They can play the approachable sweetheart card, but they can also give off that hubba hubba vixen vibe. Here’s a look at the 15 hottest redheads of all time:
15. Maureen O’Hara
You’re gonna have to ask your grandpa about this one, but trust me she deserves to be on the list. O’Hara was a feisty, fire-haired woman who looked hot in black ‘n white but really sizzled in Technicolor.
14. Rita Hayworth
13. Ginger – Tina Louise
12. Julianne Moore
11. Gillian Anderson
10. Nicole Kidman
Aug 18th
10 Things We Miss About the 2010 World Cup
So not everything about the World Cup was awesome. A lot of people didn’t like the Vuvuzelas or the flops or the horrible, horrible officiating. And let’s be honest, any time Alexi Lalas is on your TV every day for a month, things aren’t all good. But there were some great things. Things we can sit back and say we miss. Here’s 10 of ‘em:
10. Larissa Riquelme
Who doesn’t miss this sweet, sweet slice of Paraguayan national pride? Riquelme’s cell-phone-in-the-boobs photo blew up the Web during the early stages of the World Cup. By Cup’s end, Riquelme’s boobies were being sponsored by AXE. Seriously.
9. Maradona
Man, I miss this bearded midget. Maradona’s colorful, semi-nutty sideline reactions, his touchy-feely relationship with his players and his awesome press conferences were extra-entertaining throughout the entire tourney. After the Cup, Argentinean officials decided not to renew the coach’s contract. Sure the Germans annihilated the former superstar’s squad, but if he doesn’t come back, we’ll never get to see shit like this again:
8. This Amazing Argentina Fan
Worth watching weekly. Yep.
7. David Villa Goals
David Villa scored five times in the tournament, and each goal was more beautiful than the next. So much touch, so much exploitation of angles and position. Watch this beautiful clip and try not to weep:
6. Watching England Choke
I love the Brits. They have all these brilliant, world-class players and they never do shit in major tournaments. Why? I don’t know. Call it bad luck, lack of team chemistry, rampant individualism, bad coaching, I don’t really know. They just seem cursed. That weak fumble by Robert Green just seemed appropriate, really. Like a punch to the stomach. That botched non-goal call against Germany couldn’t have helped England fans feel any better either. England always has high hopes when the World Cup begins, but the team hasn’t made it out of the quarterfinals since 1990. After the way the Germans handed it to ‘em, the Round of 16 finish at the 2010 World Cup shouldn’t have come as a big surprise.
5. Quality Soccer on U.S. TV
Wasn’t it fun watching quality soccer on U.S. television? Sure, some Americans didn’t appreciate the quality of play, but for soccer fans who enjoy things like fast tempo, the maintaining of possession, creative passing and so forth, a full month of quality soccer viewing was super refreshing. After the Cup was over, everything went back to normal. At the end of July, U.S. audiences were treated to the 2010 MLS All-Star Game. The best players in the U.S. were blasted 5-2 by Manchester United’s second stringers. Here are some highlights from the mismatch:
4. Finishes Like That Amazing Uruguay-Ghana Match
Landon Donovan’s last minute goal against Algeria was exciting, yes, but nothing was more insane than the Uruguay-Ghana finish in the Quarterfinals. Such a sick game. Ghana scores right before the half. Forlan nails the equalizer in the second half. Suarez earns the red card for an intentional handball in the stoppage time of extra time. Gyan cross-bars the PK that would’ve ended it all. Then the amazing shootout that followed. Just ridiculous.
3. Diego Forlan
Gaddamn this guy’s good. Any time the ball left his foot you had to hold your breath. From setting up players to blasting filthy shots from set-pieces, Forlan did it all and he did it with flair. Forlan helped Uruguay to its best finish in 40 years. He earned himself FIFA Golden Ball honors for being the best player in the World Cup. Forlan posted 5 goals in the tournament (along with David Villa, Wesley Sneijder and Thomas Müller), but he was edged out of the Gold Boot race by Muller, who had more assists than the Uruguayan striker.
2. Ze Germans
This World Cup, ze Germans weren’t expected to do much. They were a young squad missing their douchebag Captain. Expectations were low. But this team was fun as hell to watch and you know it. Quality passing, solid defense, creativity and friggin Thomas Muller comin’ out of nowhere. The only way to contain that guy was to give him a phantom card for a phantom handball. Dude missed one game and still won the Golden Boot (with five goals and three assists). Oh yea, and he’s 20. And Maradona thought he was a ball boy. Not. Like. This:
1. Actually Rooting for the U.S. Team
I don’t like U.S. soccer. I think it’s an inferior product. It’s hard to get behind a team that allows a score in the first five minutes of every single match. But you gotta give it up for the U.S. team. They kept the Cup entertaining for a lot of people. There was a good week and a half there when people in this country truly cared about the sport. You knew their run had to end sometime, but the U.S. team made it easier for a lot more people to care about the biggest sporting event in the world.
Aug 10th
What Is Purple Drank? – The Origins of the Sizzurp
When former-Raider/current-punch line JaMarcus Russell was arrested on Monday as part of a Purple Drank investigation in Mobile, Alabama, it left a lot of people wondering – what the hell is Purple Drank? Although the origins of the drank are a bit hazy, liquid codeine-based beverages mixed with soda have been around for some time, and they’ve taken on many forms over the years.
“Purple Drank” aka “Purple Jelly” aka “Texas Drank” aka “Texas Tea” aka “Lean” or “Southern Lean” or simply “drank” or “sizzurp” is a cough syrup concoction that contains codeine and promethazine. It’s usually made with Sprite, 7Up or some other fruity soda or fruity juice like Kool-Aid. It can also be mixed with grape drink…
The purpleness comes from color of the actual cough syrup. Sizzurp can be made with all kinds of stuff, from crushed codeine to chlorpheniramine to Tussionex (hydrocodone). In recent years, vodka has been added to the list of mixers.
According to legend (Wikipedia), Purple Drank has been around for decades, but it was first made popular in Houston, Texas by DJ Screw, a hip hop producer who died in 2000 of a codeine overdose. That same year, Three Six Mafia released a single called “Sippin’ on Syrup,” and they were pretty clear on what this whole sizzurp thing was all about:
The sizzurp is particularly popular in the hip hop community of the South. It’s not unusual to see people hitting the club with a bunch of Styrofoam cups. Lil’ Wayne is from New Orleans, and he likes himself a lil’ drank every now and then.
Now JaMarcus Russell isn’t the first NFL athlete to get busted for sizzurp. Former Chargers safety Terrence Kiel (who was drafted out of Texas A&M) was arrested after trying to ship some drank to a friend via FedEx. He was charged with transporting a controlled substance and possession of a controlled substance. After the he pled guilty, the Chargers cut him. Kiel died in a car crash in 2008.
In 2008, defensive end Johnny Jolly of the Packers (also out of Texas A&M) was pulled over in Houston for bumping his music too loud. The cops found Styrofoam cups next to his Dr. Pepper and they said they smelled drank. The cops found 200 grams of codeine and charged Jolly with a second degree felony. Charges against Jolly were initially dismissed, but they were quickly refiled once the 5-0 got new equipment to measure codeine amounts. Jolly faces up to 20 years in prison if he’s found guilty.
Basically, if you want to get crunk on some sizzurp, drink Purple Drank responsibly. The sizzurp will get you faded, but not without some trouble. So don’t Fed Ex the shit to your friend. Don’t bump music with stanky Styrofoam cup dranks in your car. And remember, they call this shit lean for a reason. It’s all fun and games until respiratory or cardiac arrest sets in. You can crush up and add all the Jolly Ranchers you want, but if you take too much codeine, you’re gonna end up in a coma or worse.
Jul 6th
The 5 Biggest Imperial Dick Moves That Euros Pulled on the New World
Starting in the 15th Century, Europeans made some pretty aggressive moves around the globe. The Euros didn’t invent imperialism, but they sure took extreme measures to expand their spheres of influence during The Age of Discovery. As various European powers jockeyed for imperial influence around the globe, shit got kinda intense in the Americas, and the Euros made some pretty bold, somewhat dickish moves. Here’s a look at the top 5 biggest imperial dick moves that Euros pulled on the New World:
The Columbian Exchange
When Christopher Columbus arrived in the Americas, he ushered in a new era of exchange between The Old World and The New. For the first time in history, the Euros were able to taste stuff like corn, potatoes, tomatoes, peppers, peanuts, pineapple, beans, cacao, vanilla, turkeys and tobacco. The Old World also scored big in the precious metals department, using the silver and gold from the Americas to fuel worldwide imperial expansion.
On the flipside, the natives in America were exposed to citrus, wheat, sugar, rice, coffee, horses, pigs and cows. The introduction of livestock might sound like a bonus, but you got to factor in thousands of years of non-coexistence with domesticated beasts. The Euros had plenty of time to adjust to the diseases that these animals carried. The Native Americans didn’t develop immune systems that could handle nasty shit like small pox, measles, typhus and influenza that the Euros brought over. So Team Europe scored big time. The Euros got cash, new foods and land rich with natural resources. The locals got a whole lot of death (and when death didn’t come, they got invitations to work or move westward). The Columbian Exchange turned out to be a pretty one-sided transaction and definitely one of the biggest imperial dick moves of all time.
The Conquistadors
After Columbus, the Spanish were ready to get serious with their control of the Americas. That’s where the Conquistadors come in. In the first half of the 16th Century, guys like Cortes, Pizarro and Coronado stepped into a situation where indigenous people were weakened by disease and ripe for hostile takeover. The Euros had the power of Catholicism to go along with horses, steel and firearms. The locals had the traditions of an oral, non-literate society, a shit-ton of shiny gold and silver and a sense of misguided trust that would be their ultimate undoing (I’m looking at you Atahualpa and Moctezuma). The Spanish were able to mop up the Aztec and Incan Empires with amazing speed, and consolidate their imperial stranglehold on the Americas. Wiping out entire civilizations definitely qualifies as an imperial dick move.
The Silver Mines of Potosi
This shit is unreal. Imagine you’re the biggest colonial super power in the New World (Spain), and you come across one of the highest elevated places on Earth (Potosi, in modern-day Bolivia) in the second half of the 16th Century. Now imagine this place has this huge mountain that’s basically made of silver. Score, right? At this point you’d have no choice but to enslave the local population, build the place out into one of the biggest cities in the New World and go about extracting 45,000 tons of silver from the spot so that you can further your imperial adventures. It’s a no-brainer really.
Being a miner in Potosi would have sucked big-time. The locals had to work grueling hours with no shoes, climb ropes with candles on their heads (if one dude fell off the rope, many would be screwed) and mix and burn mercury to extract the precious silver from the mines. Sucks for the locals, but it was a great deal for Spain. But as Spain and Portugal became flush with silver and gold from the Americas, they got fat off the pillaging, and didn’t develop colonies that were actually productive from a manufacturing or agricultural standpoint. This opened the door for other Euros to step in, and Spain eventually went bankrupt.
Caribbean Sugar Plantations
In the mid-1600s, the Dutch brought sugar cane from Brazil to the British West Indies. Cotton and sugar production was taking off in the colonies of North America, so the colonial overlords in the Caribbean decided to switch gears to sugar cultivation. The Brits couldn’t get enough of that sweet, sweet sugar in their tea and cakes, so they quickly got hooked on the stuff and the rest of Europe followed suit. With Euros needing more and more sweetness, sugar production had to be stepped up. How did the Dutch, French and English imperials increase production? They brought in more African slaves. A lot more. As demand grew, sugar plantations expanded in size. What initially started in Barbados soon spread to other places in the Caribbean like Jamaica and La Hispaniola (modern-day Haiti and the Dominican Republic). More and more slaves were brought in and the slave trade soon became a booming international business. So the next time you put sugar in your coffee think about the lengths that the Euros took to keep this stuff flowing freely from the Caribbean.
British Colonialism in America
Spain and Portugal got the imperial party started in the New World, but the French, Dutch and Brits all wanted in on the action. After a few wars with the French and the Dutch, England came out as the frontrunner in the new era of colonial influence in North America. In the late 16th Century, Queen Elizabeth I encouraged exploration and discovery missions that would allow guys like Humphrey Gilbert and Walter Raleigh to poke around the West Indies and eastern seaboard in search of opportunities for trade and settlement. Jamestown (founded in 1607) was the first permanent British settlement in America.
As Britain’s influence in America grew, other imperial powers got squeezed out of the game. The Brits monopolized the slave trade, began annexing islands in the Caribbean and started shit with the French in Newfoundland. The Brits soon controlled the ultra-lucrative triangle of trade between America, Europe and Africa. After more international skirmishes with the French and the Dutch, Britain’s power grew in India and Asia, and the First British Empire was in full effect.
The Brits were living the imperial dream until freedom-loving Americans like you and me punched those red coats in the mouth and made ‘em lose their 13 colonies. We then went on to create the best country in the world!
It took some pretty big imperial dick moves to get here, but that’s what makes the American experience so unique. So when you set off those fire crackers, chomp on some corn or grub on some potato salad this weekend, think about how we got here. We got ourselves a unique, one-of-a-kind history here in America, and it goes way further back than 1776.
Happy July 4th everybody!
Jul 1st
Video – 2010 National Bikini Pillow Fighting Championships
Last month, Fantasy Springs Resort and Casino in conjunction with PlayerXT and Wet Peach Swimwear hosted the Ultimate Fantasy Weekend. Attended by scores of beautiful women, a few Playboy Playmates and a handful of NFL players, the weekend kicked off with a Battle of the Bikinis contest where 30 girls competed in a pageant to see who had the best bikini body. Tonya Torres won the bikini contest and took home $1,500.
Following the pageant, the girls took to the pool for the 2010 National Bikini Pillow Fighting Championship, an extreme, take-no-prisoners battle where beautiful girls got on a float in the pool and wacked each other with wet pillows. Jazmin Siguenza, a model, rapper and boxer, was the last bikini babe standing. She also took home $1,500.
Here are some highlights from the 2010 National Bikini Pillow Fighting Championship. As you can see, the competition was pretty stiff, and some of the girls really got into it:
The Ultimate Fantasy Weekend concluded with a golf tournament at the Eagle Falls Golf Course, home of the Playboy Scramble. Throughout the weekend Fantasy Springs Resort and Casino hosted mixers at the 12th Floor Wine Bar. Nestled between the Santa Rosa and Chocolate mountain ranges in the Palm Springs Valley, Fantasy Springs served as a comfortable, accommodating backdrop for all of the weekend’s activities.
Jun 22nd
The 25 Greatest Football Movies of All Time
Who doesn’t love football movies? They’re packed with real action and genuine inspiration. They’re filled with raw emotions and extended montages. Football movies can change your life. They can teach you about love, teach you about success and they can even teach you a thing or two about yourself. Here are the top 25 football movies of all time, in order of awesomeness:
25. The Blind Side
To be honest, this movie sucked. Yea, I said it. The film portrayed Michael Oher as a jumbo moron whose super-sweet, inner-city innocence was matched only by his inability to comprehend the purpose of blocking. The whole thing just felt so exploitative on too many levels. But hey, Sandra Bullock won an Academy Award for that accent, and that should count for something.
24. Heaven Can Wait
It’s hard for this generation to remember what a badass Warren Beatty used to be (it’s also hard to remember that the Rams once hailed from Los Angeles). This movie has to be one of Kurt Warner’s favorites – it’s got the Rams, the romance, an injured QB, a dude who uses his millions to do the right things and lots of angels and heaven and other Christian stuff.
23. Radio
Yea, Radio made the list. But why not, right? Ed Harris is a coach who really cares about football and making a difference. Cuba Gooding Jr. is a special person who loves listening to his radio and overcoming adversity. Spoiler alert: Ed Harris retires from coaching in the end, thus showing he cares more about making a difference than he does about football.
22. Lucas
Lucas is Corey Haim’s hit flick about geekiness, romance and how it all ties together with football. Haim is the weakling who can’t defend himself. Charlie Sheen is the standup captain of the football team who protects Haim. Everything changes when new girl Kerri Green arrives at school and the nerd and the jock battle for her affections.
21. Jerry Maguire
This movie seems kinda dated now. Although it’s starting to be okay to like Tom Cruise movies again, it’s hard to think back to a time when Renee Zellweger was attractive and Drew Beldose was the biggest thing in the NFL. Gushy love story and annoying spiky-haired kid aside, this film is still a worthy addition to the list.
20. The Waterboy
May not have much rewatchability, but this movie served its purpose. It was the gridiron Happy Gilmore, and it accomplished what it set out to do. Before The Blind Side melted people’s hearts, this film was the highest grossing sports movie of all time. Seriously.
More >
Jun 15th
