9 Ways to Make Airplane Travel Suck Less
Nobody likes flying. We all love the excitement of traveling, but most sane people hate the actual flight. And for good reason. The airline industry sucks balls. Most planes are outdated, low-tech germ cans that were built to accommodate people the size of Willow. If you like cleanliness, modern technology, edible food or leg room, flying is a big pain in the ass. But with the right attitude and a few helpful tips, you can make your next plane ride less painful. Here are nine ways to make airplane travel suck less:
Drink Before, During and Potentially After Your Flight
Scotch makes airplanes better. It really does. Beer works for some people, but if you have the bladder of a small child, it’s just not a good idea. Liquor is quicker and it’ll keep you in your seat. Pay the outrageous fee for an in-flight head change.
Buy the WiFi
Why the hell isn’t WiFi free in every airport and airplane in the country? If coffee shops can provide you with free Internet access, shouldn’t the airline industry do the same? Sadly, like everything else these days, airlines charge you extra for web access. Splurge for this expense. It’s totally worth it. Don’t get stuck squinting to see the shitty in-flight movie. Forget about the Skymall mag, too. Pay whatever king’s ransom they’re charging for WiFi and boost your ability to stay sane during a long flight.
Own the Armrest
No matter where you sit on an airplane, stake your claim to the armrest early. Establish your elbow dominance as soon as you take your seat. Get big, box out your neighbor and own it for the whole flight. If you snooze, wait for the right opportunity and pounce that elbow back in there. Never give up. Never surrender. Hold the line like your life depended on it.
Spring for a Bottle of Water at the Gate
Nothing’s worse than having cotton mouth on a plane. Sure, the sky waitress will bring you a beverage when you hit the right altitude. But you need some liquids to get you through that first half hour or so of non-service.
Be Nice to Airline Employees
You think flying is a big inconvenience for you? Imagine if that shit was your job. Folks who work in the airline industry have to deal with stressed, uncomfortable and annoyed people every single day. They see people at their worst, so be nice to them. You’d be surprised how far a couple of extra smiles and thank yous can take you. I once got two free mini bottles of Johnny Walker from a flight attendant just for being the least douchiest person in my row.
It’s rare to find yourself on a plane and think, man, it’s freezing in here. It can happen, yea, but the more likely scenario is you sitting in a cramped seat with a bad case of the schweaty balls. Do yourself a favor and wear shorts on your next flight. If it get’s cold, you can always reach for a jacket or blanket. It’s not like you can air out your junk when things get extra toasty. Leave the air on, too. A little air circulation never hurt anybody.
Gone are the days of endless peanuts and complimentary in-flight snacks. Airlines make you pay for everything, and nine times out of ten, the soggy sandwich or questionable cheese & cracker combo or whatever overpriced snack option their pushing just isn’t worth it. If your famished, you’ll pay any price for airplane food, but you’re going to feel dirty about it afterward. You’re going to feel used. So stash some granola bars in your bag and schedule some time to snack it up before you board.
Sounds simple, right? And yet so many people insist on traveling extra ripe all the time. Don’t be one of those people. If you can’t figure out where the stank is coming from, it’s probably coming from you. Do the whole bathing/deodorizing/clean hair/clean socks thing. It’s a win-win for everyone.
Whatever it is you do to get to your happy place, make sure you can reach that state of mind on a plane. Get into breathing exercises, put some Enya on your iPod, pack a photo of a loved one or a favorite location. However you get there, the ability to zen out hard is a critical carry-on. With the right preparation, you can block out anything – chair kickers, coughers, aggressive screaming babies, loud white girls – you name it. Learn how to transform yourself into a zen master at will and nothing will get under your skin.
|Print article||This entry was posted by Chris Stout on November 17, 2011 at 12:24 am, and is filed under Lifestyle. Follow any responses to this post through RSS 2.0. You can leave a response or trackback from your own site.|
No trackbacks yet.
about 3 months ago - No comments
If you can afford to buy the newest, most luxurious, most expensive car on the road, that’s great. You’ve done well for yourself. Good on you. This review is not for you.
This review is for the young professional who doesn’t want to buy a used car anymore. It’s for the driver who wants to make
about 6 months ago - 2 comments
If you’re a whiskey and beer drinking kinda guy, you probably don’t have a great relationship with wine. And that’s okay. Wine isn’t for everyone. But it isn’t just a chick beverage, either. If you’re like me, wine is just something that’s never been a viable option. Sure, you may have gotten tipsy during a
about 8 months ago - No comments
AUSTIN- The symbolism of the setting was not lost on me. In early March, while the youth and energy of South by Southwest swirled all around us, I joined fellow media members at the more traditionally luxurious Barton Creek Resort and Spa. Our welcome assignment was to push and test the 2014 Lexus IS series
about 1 year ago - No comments
If you’ve got vacation days stored away, we’re about to enter the annual sweet spot for taking time off work. It’s about time you cashed in those vacay days, man. It doesn’t have to be an epic trip that breaks the bank. Just figure out a game plan and move on it. Whether you’re meeting
about 1 year ago - 3 comments
250. Kate Macgregor – Sailing – Great Britain
249. Mariel Zagunis – Fencing – USA
248. Anastasia Prokopenko – Badminton – Russia
247. Milka Kraljev – Rowing – Argentina
246. Sahana Kumari – High Jump – India
245. Gretta Taslakian – Track & Field – Lebanon
244. Nadiya Dusanova – High Jump – Uzbekistan
243. Maurren Maggi – Long Jump – Brazil
about 1 year ago - 1 comment
Things were different in 1998. Back then, no one worried about stuff like subprime mortgages, record unemployment or Facebook status updates. In 1998 we were just wired differently. Boy bands and ska music filled the airwaves. Politicians were worried about blue dresses and naughty White House behavior. Dawson’s Creek was a hit show. People liked
about 2 years ago - 3 comments
The days of June gloom are past us, people. America just had a birthday party this weekend. Barbeques, beach weather and scantily clad babes are now normal parts of your every day routine. Summer 2011 is in full effect. It’s time to start enjoying it.
So how are you going to celebrate this year? There might
about 2 years ago - 8 comments
There’s just something about hot chicks with three names. It’s like they know that two names just won’t cut it. They wanna leave that additional, lasting impression by throwing an extra one in there. It makes ‘em more memorable, more distinct. It’s like a badge of honor, and it’s a pretty elite club.
At MANjr, we
about 2 years ago - 20 comments
For the most part, I think people are inherently good. That’s just my view. I’ve always been a glass half full kinda guy. That’s not to say that there aren’t plenty of bad people out there. You encounter these people all the time, and they question your faith in humanity. To help you identify these
about 3 years ago - 15 comments
Leonard Nimoy is an interesting dude. The world knows him as Spock, but the guy’s about so much more than pointy ears, living long and prospering. Over the years, Nimoy has wrestled with his status as a pop culture icon. He wrote an autobiography in 1977 called I Am Not Spock and followed that up