21 Random People You See in Vegas

Whenever you’re in Vegas, you come across some interesting people. There’s the stereotypical loud types, super drunk types, drop dead gorgeous types and so on, but there’s also a bunch of other random characters that you’ll encounter when you’re in Sin City. Here’s 21 random people you’ll see in Vegas:

The Old Asian Dude Who Knows Dice Control and Can Win You Bank at the Craps Table

If you like craps, find the table with the four-foot Asian dude with the glasses and the slouch. If you see him setting the dice as he picks ‘em up, camp out at that table and just enjoy your winnings. When he leaves, you need to leave too.

Aggressive Mechanical Wheelchair Guy

Dude, I’m trying to get out of your way but you need to slow down on those turns, buddy. I know you got a disability and all, but that doesn’t give you the right to mow people down with your high-speed bulldozer-chair.

The Chick with the Bad Boob Job

Wait a minute, there’s something wrong with those basketballs bolted on your chest. They might look good from afar, but when you get too close, the cross-eyed nipples start staring at you in opposite directions. Big boobs look great and all, but those south-by-northeast nips just ain’t right.

Pornstar Asian Chicks

Wait a minute, that super-stacked, blond-haired blue-eyed shorty isn’t a white girl? Nope, she’s one of those pornstar Asian chicks. These down-to-get-down Tila Tequilla-types never travel alone. There’s always at least seven or eight of ‘em. You’ll know their coming when you hear the click-clack-shuffle of massive heels being dragged on the marble floor at the Venetian.

The Pool Prowler

Young kids who go to Vegas don’t even have a gambling agenda. They just want to live the Jersey Shore dream with a $1500 poolside cabana complete with vodka bottle service and your choice of mixer. Tanned dudes flex their six-backs and big-breasted 90-pound birds showcase more T&A than you’ll see at strip clubs that serve booze. In this environment, you’ll always find that Creepy McCreepster guy who’s too old and filthy-looking to be hanging around the pool. He’s probably not even lookin’ for action. He’s just categorizing images for his spank bank and hoping to see a nipple slip when some blondie’s using a towel to remove wetness from her pink string bikini.

The Bald Guy with the Fanny Pack

Look man, I know you’re on vacation and I know you have a ton of shit to carry, but the tucked-in t-shit and shorts with a fanny pack and comfortable running shoes just sends out a rob me signal to the entire world. Man up, put some pants on, store stuff in your pockets and tell your nagging wife to shut the hell up.

The Explosive Shitter in the Bathroom

I don’t know if it’s the beer-shits or the buffet-shits or some killer combo of the two, but you can’t visit a casino bathroom without hearing some sort of crazy asstastrophe going on. Dude, can I get a courtesy flush on that butt-shrapnel?

The Girl Who’s Just Not Hot Enough

Vegas makes you horny. Maybe it’s the booze or the pros or all the titties on display, but when you’re in Vegas, you start to think that anyone’s shaggable. Well, almost everyone. There’s always that girl who’s just not hot enough. Maybe she’s got a poor face-to-body or body-to-face grade. Maybe’s she’s just a little too chunky or too crazy. Whatever it is, you’ll always find a chick on the bubble who just misses the cutoff, even when you’re blasted and seeing double.

The Old Local Lifer with the WTF Haircut

Oh man, Vegas locals are a trip. They got their funny t-shirts and physical deformities (like a neck barnacle or an extra back or some shit). A majority of these locals have the most ridiculous haircuts you’ve ever see. Like the lady with the 5-2 step-mullet-fade that’s half highlighted and half spikey. Strange.

The Dude Who Just Got Out of Jail and Needs Money

If some shady white dude with neck tats tries to chat you up at the slots, don’t engage. The dude just got out of jail and he needs money to get back home. He was put in jail because of a long story involving his girlfriend, a crowbar and peanut butter. Don’t offer him a ride and don’t give him any money.

Raider Fans

Raider fans are everywhere, especially in Vegas. Raider fans have the dumbest football IQ of any fan group. These guys yell stupid shit at the Sportsbook to cheer their team on even when the Raiders aren’t playing. They always think the Raiders are going to win, and a couple times each year, they’re right.

Fat Chicks Who Travel in Packs

With all the amazing tail on display in Vegas, chubby girls have it rough. They need to stick together. When was the last time you saw one fat girl by herself in a casino? It doesn’t happen. Large girls know they need to travel in packs to minimize their maximum exposure.

Drunken Business Bros

We’re at a conference bro! I’m gonna get so wasted that I may even untuck my shirt at 3am. No promises though! Let’s high-five and yell whenever we double down or split 8s at the blackjack table. I can’t believe you didn’t hook up with Kimberly from marketing, bro. She was so into you!

Three Greasy Hipster Dudes with One Grimy Skinny Chick

Hipsters travel in disproportionate girl-to-guy ratios. Typically you’ll see three flanneled ironic-facial haired PBR drinkers to every one bright-plastic-eyeglass-wearing pale and depressed looking skinny gal with satirical high tops and a haircut from the future. I don’t know why this is.

Old Oxygen Tank Guy

Look, I’m no doctor, but if you’re wheeling around an oxygen tank in a smoke filled slot pit, maybe you need to find another spot to spend your Tuesday afternoons. I know they pump extra oxygen in the casino, but that’s gotta be offset by the cancer cave-like conditions near the Wheel of Fortune games.

Prostitute?

Wait is this smoking hot broad laughing at my jokes because it’s 5am and we’re the only two people left at the bar? Or is my bankroll about to take a surprise hit from a professional lady of the night? It’s really hard to tell sometimes. Girls in Vegas like to go extra slutty with it. If you’re unsure whether or not the hot chick you hit it off with is a pro, don’t ask her. That’s just bad form. If for some reason she’s not, you’re gonna blow it. Concoct a story of lost wealth so she knows you got nothing left to spend for the evening. If she is a professional, she’ll move on.

The Dapper Old Dude with Cut Up Plastic Jailbait

Nothing’s creeper than seeing some slick old-timer with huge shades, a fitted burgundy suit and gold chains walking around with a 17-year old brunette who just got done with her 17th augmentation surgery.

Bachelor/Bachelorette Parties

There’s nothing funnier than a large group of horny bachelor party dudes who can’t get into a club ‘cause there’s not one chick among them. Well, that’s not true. Seeing a wild back of bachelorette party girls who are walking around with hungry eyes and dildos and goofy matching t-shirts is also pretty entertaining.

The Cheapskate

You know, the guy who camps out at the buffet so he can catch the breakfast and the lunch rotation. Or the guy who lingers around the slots to get a free drink and then doesn’t tip the waitress. In Vegas, cheap bastards are everywhere. You can spot them by their shifty eyes and willingness to fake gamble for long periods of time just to score a Bud Light.

Wedding Party Girls Looking for Action

Nothing’s more romantic than getting married in Vegas. It’s every girl’s dream, really. Well, maybe not every girl, but girls who are around other girls who just got married want to get down something fierce. That’s a fact. If you see a pack of casino skirts who look like they’re going to church, you know what to do.

Sad Children

Vegas is so much fun for adults. Things get tricky when you bring the kids, though. Sure there are responsible parents who just love spending family time together watching those outrageous blue man guys do their outrageous blue man thing, but most of the time, if you see kids at a casino in Vegas, they look sad as hell. There’s only so much TV you can watch when mom and dad are burning through your college tuition during a 13-hour slot bender. Don’t park junior at the buffet. Leave the kids at home.