Sports

Cavs Owner Dan Gilbert Issues Statement, Calls Waaaambulance

When LeBron James told Cleveland to suck it last night on national TV (dick move yes, but he did raise millions for the Boys and Girls Club), I felt bad for the state of Ohio. LeBron was all they had. Okay, the Browns and a bunch of fast food restaurants too, but LeBron made Cleveland relevant. When he carved out an hour of television to shiv Cavs fans in the kidneys, I have to admit, I felt sorry for the Cavs organization, Cleveland fans and anyone who had the unfortunate luck of living in Ohio.

Not anymore. Not after the amazing, douche-filled statement that Cavs owner Dan Gilbert released today:

Dear Cleveland,

All Of Northeast Ohio and Cleveland Cavaliers Supporters Wherever You May Be Tonight.

As you now know, our former hero, who grew up in the very region that he deserted this evening, is no longer a Cleveland Cavalier.

This was announced with a several day, narcissistic, self-promotional build-up culminating with a national TV special of his “decision” unlike anything ever “witnessed” in the history of sports and probably the history of entertainment.

Clearly, this is bitterly disappointing to all of us.

The good news is that the ownership team and the rest of the hard-working, loyal, and driven staff over here at your hometown Cavaliers have not betrayed you nor NEVER will betray you.

There is so much more to tell you about the events of the recent past and our more than exciting future. Over the next several days and weeks, we will be communicating much of that to you.

You simply don’t deserve this kind of cowardly betrayal.

You have given so much and deserve so much more.

In the meantime, I want to make one statement to you tonight:

“I PERSONALLY GUARANTEE THAT THE CLEVELAND CAVALIERS WILL WIN
AN NBA CHAMPIONSHIP BEFORE THE SELF-TITLED FORMER ‘KING’ WINS ONE”

You can take it to the bank.

If you thought we were motivated before tonight to bring the hardware to Cleveland, I can tell you that this shameful display of selfishness and betrayal by one of our very own has shifted our “motivation” to previously unknown and previously never experienced levels.

Some people think they should go to heaven but NOT have to die to get there.

Sorry, but that’s simply not how it works.

This shocking act of disloyalty from our home grown “chosen one” sends the exact opposite lesson of what we would want our children to learn. And “who” we would want them to grow-up to become.

But the good news is that this heartless and callous action can only serve as the antidote to the so-called “curse” on Cleveland, Ohio.

The self-declared former “King” will be taking the “curse” with him down south. And until he does “right” by Cleveland and Ohio, James (and the town where he plays) will unfortunately own this dreaded spell and bad karma.

Just watch.

Sleep well, Cleveland.

Tomorrow is a new and much brighter day….

I PROMISE you that our energy, focus, capital, knowledge and experience will be directed at one thing and one thing only:

DELIVERING YOU the championship you have long deserved and is long overdue….

Dan Gilbert
Majority Owner
Cleveland Cavaliers

Wow. I mean, wow. What a sack of shit. I just became the biggest LeBron fan of all time after reading that. Why would anyone go back to Cleveland to play for an organization that issues sour grapes nonsense like that. You promised me a championship, Bron Bron. You said we’d be together forever. I Cleveland curse you for life! Get over it Gilbert. Waaaaaa.

Whatever sympathy credit the Cavs had accrued was washed away by one ill-timed, retarded statement. Don’t get me wrong, that whole ESPN thing was totally ridiculous, but Geebo’s statement was worse than anything that took place during this week’s LeBron-a-thon. Cleveland deserved to get dumped.

Jul 9th

Posted by Chris Stout in Sports

Land o Links

Yea, okay. I guess Katy Perry is pretty hot (CelebJihad)

10 memorable quotes from Sean Payton’s Super Bowl memoir Home Team (Nola.com)

Hipster shareholders rejoice –Pabst Brewing Company officially sold! (Beer-Universe)

A gallery of fat cops that you could probably outrun (EgoTV)

Malillany Marin is bangin (Guyism)

The 5 worst coaches in the NFL (The Pigskin Doctors)

Bianca Holland has green eyes, is gorgeous (MANKINDunplugged)

10 things LeBron should do instead of playing basketball next season (COED Magazine)

10 signs your girl is a keeper (BroBible)

6 videogame sequels that are nothing like the original (Dorkly)

Top 40 potential NBA free agents (Sports Illustrated)

Jun 28th

Posted by Chris Stout in Entertainment

Baddest MOFO On The Planet Returns To Action Saturday

Fedor “The Last Emperor” Emelianenko is considered a nice guy by most accounts. The soft spoken Russian would also rip your heart out of your chest if he needed to. The most prolific fighter in heavyweight (HW) mixed martial arts history returns to the Strikeforce cage June 26th in San Jose, California.

Having already defeated champions the likes of Andrei Arlovski, Tim Sylvia, Mark Coleman, Mirko CroCop, and Antonio Rodrigo Nogueria, most expected (and prayed) for him to sign with the UFC. Unfortunately, a deal could not be struck between the UFC and M1-Global, Fedor’s management team who co-promotes all his fights. So we are forced to see him fight against guys who aren’t talented enough for the UFC. This week he faces off against Fabricio Werdum who has lost to two fighters Fedor has already defeated. Should be fun!

See some highlights of Fedor here, him fighting 7’6’’ Korean Hong Man Choi, and Kevin Randleman slamming the shit out of him, and Fedor submitting him a minute later.

Jun 25th

Posted by Bret Freemyer in Sports

Redemption! USA Shocks Algeria and the World

It was over…it was all over. The Americans were done. Fielding the most experienced and talented team in their history, they should have been going home early. Needing a win to advance out of group play and into the round of 16, the USA looked like they were headed for another disappointing draw and a plane ride home.

For 90 minutes the U.S. national team peppered the Algerian goalie with chance after chance, putting 7 shots on goal and having one disallowed on another bogus call. Here’s the clip (in German). Then in the 1st minute of extra time, following a Tim Howard save, his Everton teammate Landon Donovan started the counter. He pressed the right side of the pitch, laid the ball to Jozy Altidore whose cross found Clint Dempsey’s foot, then bounced off the keeper. Donovan was waiting, stalking the play from behind and put the ball in the back of the net for the most improbable and memorable goal in the World Cup to date. The leading scorer in U.S. history, Donovan emphatically solidified his spot as the country’s greatest player as well.

It was another late goal in a year of late goals for the cardiac kids. During the World Cup and qualifying, the U.S. has twice as many goals in the last five minutes than any other team in the world. The Yanks claimed the top spot in the group with 5 points and advance to the round of 16 with England (5 points as well, but less goals than the U.S.), who bested Slovenia 1-0 to earn second in group C.

It makes you proud to be an American, fuck yeah!

Jun 23rd

Posted by Bret Freemyer in News

French Coach Raymond Domenech Is a Classy Guy

Nothing says class act like a good ole’ post-beatdown handshake refusal.

Jun 22nd

Posted by Chris Stout in Sports

Boo This Man Too: Referee Koman Coulibaly Screws the U.S.

Man, I thought that Germany game had some shit officiating, but this is ridiculous. Referee Alberto Undiano Mallenco made some horrible calls and passed out 9 yellow cards in the early match, but the guy didn’t take away any goals. Kouman Coulibaly did. Oh yes, the ref from Mali screwed over the Americans big time.

After the U.S. squad made an insane comeback to tie Slovenia 2-2, Coulibaly had the audacity to disallow U.S. goal number three. Was it an offsides call? Was it a foul? I don’t think anyone knows for sure.

See for yourself:

Minutes after the match, bitter fans tore into Koman Coulibaly’s Wikipedia page. Alexi Lalas called the man “a disgrace.” That’s saying something. When you get called a disgrace by Alexi Lalas, you’ve really hit rock bottom. Your sack-of-shit status is confirmed for life at that point.

But a disgrace it was. Almost as disgraceful as the play of the U.S. squad in the first half or the total collapse by Slovenia in the second half. After England lost to Algeria in a 0-0 tie in today, Group C just got a whole lot more interesting. Here are the current standings:

Team	MP	W	D	L	GF	GA	Pts
Slovenia	2	1	1	0	3	2	4
USA	2	0	2	0	3	3	2
England	2	0	2	0	1	1	2
Algeria	2	0	1	1	0	1

Jun 18th

Posted by Chris Stout in Sports

Entertain Me Rasheed Wallace!

Love him or hate him, Rasheed Wallace is always television gold. His highlights include throwing balls at teammates while they give interviews, not fearing the referees, scoring on himself, , and what may be the only case of someone being tossed for not saying anything. Call me crazy, but I love seeing him fly off the handle, especially on obvious foul calls. He led the league with a whopping 17 technical fouls this year despite only playing 22.5 minutes per game. Imagine if he actually played the whole game! His trademark moves include screaming, making puzzled faces, throwing headbands and/or towels, and creating general disarray. Here are five things I would pay to see Rasheed flip out about.

5. In honor of the World Cup: Someone blowing a vuvuzela in his ear

How could you not wanna see this??? Imagine ‘Sheed is napping, and his annoying neighbors just came back from South Africa with a new present! I see this playing out as a combo of ’Sheed breaking the vuvuzeka over the person’s head, or sticking it up his neighbors ass (the wide part) and playing it until the person’s head explodes. Either way we win.

4. Returning an overdue book at the library

A sanctuary of silence, where else would be a better place to see him flip his lid? I could see him now, knocking down stacks, scaring kids and homeless people, or just yelling at a librarian until she cries. Yes, Yes, Yes!

3. ‘Sheed drunk and stealing someone’s prosthetic leg to play catch with it

Oh shit, I forgot that this already happened. My bad.

2. Getting short tipped as a waiter

The local Denny’s crowd isn’t happy with their service, so a table that just spent $50 only end up giving him a dollar, three nickels, and pocket lint for a tip. When ‘Sheed discovers his “tip,” Moons over my hammys starts flying, plates get broken over the bus boy’s head, and old people start stroking out. As ‘Sheed is dragged off the premises, we still hear him yelling, “I refilled that asshole’s drink three times!!!!…..THREE TIMES!!!” Imagine if the movie “Waiting” featured ‘Sheed? This clip might of killed you with laughter instead of boring you to death.

1. Having a paternity test read on Maury Povich

What I would give for this! The crowd boos him more furiously than any other guest in history right? As Maury stays stoic and calm, ‘Sheed yells, “that ain’t my kid! He ain’t got my bald spot! Maury prepares us for the truth and calmly says, “Rasheed, you are not the father!” ‘Sheed jumps out of his chair and delights the stunned crowd with the Carlton dance.

Jun 18th

Posted by Bret Freemyer in Sports

Boo This Man: Referee Alberto Undiano Mallenco

Somebody boo this man! It always sucks when poor officiating overshadows a great game. Today’s early World Cup match between Germany and Serbia was totally tainted by referee Alberto Undiano Mallenco and his card-happy calls. The Spanish ref became the focal point of the game. Mallenco reached into his wallet a grand total of 9 times in the match. If bullshit had a face, it would look like Mallenco.

During the match, any type of contact resulted in a yellow card. Sneezing was a bookable offense. It was truly a ridiculous situation, with players not knowing how aggressive they could be with challenges. The calls were inconsistent at best; just laughable all around. The announcers couldn’t believe it. The players couldn’t believe it. I got up to get some breakfast and when I looked back at the TV, Alberto Undiano Mallenco gave me a yellow card, too.

The Germans lost their top striker, Miroslav Klose, after he collected two quick, wack yellows in the first half. Serbia went up immediately after that with an instant goal from Milan Javanovic. Ze Germans attacked early and often during the second half. Lukas Podolski took like a dozen shots on goal and even had a chance to equalize with a PK, but it was not to be.

This was an exciting match that would have been much more entertaining without Alberto Undiano Mallenco putting his mark on the game. The man deserves to be booed.

Jun 18th

Posted by Chris Stout in Sports

Early Goal Keeping – The Story of the Cup So Far

With most teams content to sit back and play it safe during their opening match, early goal keeping play has been the deciding factor in many matches. Here are the top five stories to date:

5. General Miscues
Blame it on the wet and cold conditions (it is winter in South Africa) or the new “Jubalani” ball, but most keepers haven’t looked very sure handed. As the case with every new ball, they are designed to travel faster and provide more offense. See the Jubalani in action:

4. Buffon Done?
Widely considered the top goalie in the world, Gianluigi Buffon may miss the remainder of the cup with what is being called a serious back injury. He said after the match that his sciatic nerve flared up and expects to return. Without him, Italy will be crippled in the back, literally. See his best work here (be warned it’s set to Evanescence, so we suggest having someone blow a vuvuzela in your ear, or simply muting it):

3. Paraguay’s Justo Villar’s Whiff
In the 63rd minute and up 1-0 on the favored Italians, Villar makes an inexcusable whiff on the ball, allowing Daniele Di Rossi to equalize. Being the top two teams in the group, Paraguay should not have allowed this win to get away:

2. Green’s Blunder
It’s not on the same level as Bill Buckner, but its pretty damn close. However, it would make a great Southwest Airlines commercial:

1. Tim Howard’s Dominance
The man of the match vs. England had five saves and took Emile Heskey’s boots to his ribs midway through the opening half. Following a painkiller injection at halftime, he stifled the British attack again and again allowing the Americans to secure a much needed point. If the Yanks expect to make it out of group play, they will need him to look good every match. Check out the video of his post-match interview.