Top 10 Useless Things in America
We got a lot of useless stuff in this country. Maybe it’s because we’re so prosperous and comfortable and so satiated with the necessities of life. Some people might argue that it’s our right as Americans to love useless shit. That’s a bunch of malarkey. At MANjr, we believe there’s an overabundance of worthless stuff out there that needs to go away. Here’s our list of the top 10 useless things in America today.
10. Blockbuster Video Stores
So Blockbuster filed for Chapter 11, got bought in an auction and they’re closing down stores left and right across the country. The company tried to waive late fees, but that didn’t stick. Their inventory sucks and they never have enough copies of the latest new release. Can we put this chain out of its misery already? With torrents, Red Box, OnDemand, Netflix and other online content streaming solutions, there’s really no reason to keep Blockbusters around. They destroyed the local video shop and it’s time these blue and gold dinosaur stores get phased out for good.
You lazy mother, get off that stupid Zamboni stick and walk around like a real person. You wanna ride a bike, that’s fine. You wanna rollerblade, cruise in a motorized wheelchair or ride a Moped? That’s totally acceptable. But don’t stand up on a $7,000 motorized doormat and have the nerve to wear a helmet. If you’re gonna stand, walk. If you gotta sit, make use of a century’s worth of available technology to get yourself from A to B.
8. Best Buy Employees
Have you ever tried to ask a Best Buy employee for assistance on anything? It’s the most depressing shit ever. These blue-shirted zombies would rather text on their phone and power walk across the aisles than provide you with even the smallest nugget of customer support. I don’t know how they train their people, but they’re doing it wrong. I get that quality customer service is a lost art, but it’s amazing how so many employees can be so useless. Why not have one security guard and 20 self-checkout stations and call it a day?
Is there a stop sign shortage out there? Is the circular intersection really necessary? Roundabouts suck because most drivers on the road are already incredibly retarded. Why complicate things for them? People just don’t know what to do when they see these things. It’s just easy for everyone if you remove the planter in the middle of the street and create a proper intersection that inept American drivers can understand.
What’s this? Underpants for your hands? Well it’s about damn time. People buy a lot of stupid shit on TV. Shake weights, snuggies, pajama jeans are all pretty retarded, but who the hell has ever cried out for finger underwear? Are gloves that out of touch? As seen on TV products and anything that’s in SkyMall Magazine just isn’t worth it people.
5. Prescription Drug Commercials
There was a time when you could watch a sporting event without having to endure 50 different advertisements featuring old, oversaturated happy dudes talking about their wiener pills. But it goes far beyond erectile dysfunction. I don’t know what half these ailments are, but I really don’t wanna hear about all these crazy side effects while I’m eating my friggin’ dinner. They just go on and on and on. I don’t wanna ask my doctor if any of this shit is right for me. I just want these commercials to end. Weed is still illegal in America, but it’s totally cool to promote a wishlist of pills to a nation full of hypochondriacs. That’s just wrong.
I don’t care about your plastic causes. Oh there’s a magnet in there you say? Well that must really maximize your athletic performance and overall life balance when you’re sitting in your cubicle. You support the fight against cancer of the boobs and balls, we get it. There’s gotta be a better way to support these causes than using a bright rubber bracelet to advertise your advocacy.
3. Energy Drinks
Does anyone really think these things aren’t poison? Red Bull looks like radiator fluid and it’s made from the same stuff that turns turtles into ninjas. 5 hour energy drinks? More like 5 month heart attack plan. At least Four Loco had booze in it. Next time you’re gonna chug an energy drink that looks like a science fiction beverage from the future, take a look at the nutrition facts. You’re likely pounding tons of carbs, artificial sweeteners, acids and a bunch of other trash that you don’t need. High blood pressure, heart disease and bowel irritability just aren’t worth it. Man up and drink some coffee, bro.
Isn’t it time we said goodbye to the penny? I like Abe Lincoln just as much as the next guy, but he still gets plenty of play on the $5 bill. Pennies are about as useful as a Butler basketball player in a game of horse. They’re filthy little hand de-sanitizers that can’t be used in parking meters, laundry mats, vending machines or anything else that takes coins. How hard would it be to round shit to the nearest nickel? Price stuff out with tax included so we can stop fooling people with all this $19.99 nonsense.
1. Khloe Kardashian
What’s worse than being a big-butted, no talent plastic-surgery-poster pseudo-celebrity? How bout being that person’s chubby annoying sister. How the hell is this chick getting any sort of face time on TV. You married a candy-loving NBA star? Super. Oh, you and your man made a unisex fragrance and a reality show about the making of a unisex fragrance? That’s rock bottom folks, even for the E! Channel. Check out this mess on Conan and see why she takes the crown as the single most useless thing in America.
Did we miss anything? We’re certain that we did. Leave us a comments and let us know what you think should be on the list.
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